we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
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