having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
You peed on a flamingo?!?
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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