Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
wasted?
im pocohantasssss
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
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You did a strip tease for the toilet.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
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Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
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