Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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