So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
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Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
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My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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