I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
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i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
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I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
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