the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
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I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
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Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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