Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
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Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
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Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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