so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
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Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
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Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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