My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
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We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
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i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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