The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
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