Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
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