i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
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