dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
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I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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