i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
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