I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
do nipples grow back?
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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