i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
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I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
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honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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