He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
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HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
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only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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