I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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