On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
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