My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
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If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
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its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize