in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
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Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
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Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
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