I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
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