Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
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