Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
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