take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize