Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
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You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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