am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
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I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
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At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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