and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
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A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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