Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
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i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
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