The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
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please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
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Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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