2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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