let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
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I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
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I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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