If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
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I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
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My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize