I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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