Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
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I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
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This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
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