I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
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Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
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As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
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