So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
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I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
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Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
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