I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
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He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
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Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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