he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
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Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
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