can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
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Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
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You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
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