I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
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does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
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