I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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