I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
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you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
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Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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