I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
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I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
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I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
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