Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
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His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
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Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
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