On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
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