What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
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How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
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He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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