Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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