Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
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I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
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WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
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